Elder Scrolls IV: The Worst Game I've Ever Played
Well, the mobile version, that is :)
When Oblivion came out, it came with the usual array of cards and pieces of paper, most of which I don't even pay attention to. But, one thing caught my eye: Oblivion for your mobile phone!
Sounds awesome, right? There were a couple of screenshots on the card and it looked alright, a very Diablo-style RPG, but with Oblivion's style. Looking good, if you ask me.
So, when I checked the list of downloadable games on my LG VX5200 yesterday, I was ecstatic to find Oblivion waiting for me. A $3.50 charge to my cell phone bill and a minute of download time later, I had it in my hands. Man, this was going to be great. I've been looking for a cell phone game with some kind of depth to it, and some games have done it in the past (Doom RPG), so I thought "hey, Oblivion will probably rock"
Then I actually played the game...
I opened the game up, and I was confronted with the main menu. Good so far. I start the game and pick my prefered class: Assassian. After a short text screen more or less describing the beginning of the real version of Oblivion, I get to finally play the game.
Oh, wait, no I don't. After about a tenth of a second in the game, I get a screen politely telling me that my game is now over and I have died. Wonderful, but it could just be a software bug. So, I try it a second time: dead again within a second. A third time, you guessed it, dead within a second.
After a little thinking, I determined that this wasn't a software bug, it was a feature. Being an assassian, thus having fewer health points, the enemies would kill me with a single hit. Yeah, just one hit. So, I switched to a Knight, a hardy class with more health points than anyone. I got hit twice and I was dead again. So, I started the game up again and decided to just run away from the enemies, and as my luck would have it, it worked. I ran past all of the emperor's assassians and made it to the Oblivion Gate to exit the level (this concept doesn't really make sense in the continuity of the game, but I'm forgiving).
After I finished the level without touching a single enemy, I was presented with another text screen describing the next portion of the story in the real game, which is heading out to Kvatch to find Martin. So, if I'm going to Kvatch, I would probably be traversing the wonderful fields and mountains of Cyrodil, right? Not at all, as I was presented with a level that looked exactly like the last one, with the same enemies I had to run away from, not fight (being a character in a fighting class, this is rather stupid).
So, I found Martin, and thus was on my way to Cloud Ruler Temple. The third level dawned, and guess what? It looked exactly the same!!
In disgust, I decided to quit my character. Since the enemies were so difficult, I decided perhaps having a little range to hit them from would be a good idea, so I picked an ideal ranged class, an Archer. I entered the first level, with the enemies a couple of blocks in front of me, I decided to let loose with the death from above. Nothing happened. That's right, the ranged weapons have no range. You have to walk up to the enemy and hit them just like you would with a sword. This is the worst thing I've ever seen.
Also, if you like sound in your games, don't go to this one because it has no sound whatsoever.
==Final Score: .000000000001/10 (just because it has the Oblivion name)====
Bethesda, you have just produced the worst interactive experience of all time, this is ET quality material here, a game you cannot even play, even if you wanted to.
When Oblivion came out, it came with the usual array of cards and pieces of paper, most of which I don't even pay attention to. But, one thing caught my eye: Oblivion for your mobile phone!
Sounds awesome, right? There were a couple of screenshots on the card and it looked alright, a very Diablo-style RPG, but with Oblivion's style. Looking good, if you ask me.
So, when I checked the list of downloadable games on my LG VX5200 yesterday, I was ecstatic to find Oblivion waiting for me. A $3.50 charge to my cell phone bill and a minute of download time later, I had it in my hands. Man, this was going to be great. I've been looking for a cell phone game with some kind of depth to it, and some games have done it in the past (Doom RPG), so I thought "hey, Oblivion will probably rock"
Then I actually played the game...
I opened the game up, and I was confronted with the main menu. Good so far. I start the game and pick my prefered class: Assassian. After a short text screen more or less describing the beginning of the real version of Oblivion, I get to finally play the game.
Oh, wait, no I don't. After about a tenth of a second in the game, I get a screen politely telling me that my game is now over and I have died. Wonderful, but it could just be a software bug. So, I try it a second time: dead again within a second. A third time, you guessed it, dead within a second.
After a little thinking, I determined that this wasn't a software bug, it was a feature. Being an assassian, thus having fewer health points, the enemies would kill me with a single hit. Yeah, just one hit. So, I switched to a Knight, a hardy class with more health points than anyone. I got hit twice and I was dead again. So, I started the game up again and decided to just run away from the enemies, and as my luck would have it, it worked. I ran past all of the emperor's assassians and made it to the Oblivion Gate to exit the level (this concept doesn't really make sense in the continuity of the game, but I'm forgiving).
After I finished the level without touching a single enemy, I was presented with another text screen describing the next portion of the story in the real game, which is heading out to Kvatch to find Martin. So, if I'm going to Kvatch, I would probably be traversing the wonderful fields and mountains of Cyrodil, right? Not at all, as I was presented with a level that looked exactly like the last one, with the same enemies I had to run away from, not fight (being a character in a fighting class, this is rather stupid).
So, I found Martin, and thus was on my way to Cloud Ruler Temple. The third level dawned, and guess what? It looked exactly the same!!
In disgust, I decided to quit my character. Since the enemies were so difficult, I decided perhaps having a little range to hit them from would be a good idea, so I picked an ideal ranged class, an Archer. I entered the first level, with the enemies a couple of blocks in front of me, I decided to let loose with the death from above. Nothing happened. That's right, the ranged weapons have no range. You have to walk up to the enemy and hit them just like you would with a sword. This is the worst thing I've ever seen.
Also, if you like sound in your games, don't go to this one because it has no sound whatsoever.
==Final Score: .000000000001/10 (just because it has the Oblivion name)====
Bethesda, you have just produced the worst interactive experience of all time, this is ET quality material here, a game you cannot even play, even if you wanted to.
posted by Sean May at 1:17 PM
6 Comments:
LOL... I never saw the insert that advertised the mobile version, but after this review I'm glad I didn't. Hilariously written, too. Well done. :)
that sucks that you're out $3.50 but you should have known better.
"I start the game and pick my prefered class: Assassian"
I didn't know they had ninjas :)
I bought this game for the PC and thought the little picture of it running on a cellphone was funny as hell - I can barely get the real game to run on a very high-end PC.
When I saw the title of your post I assumed you'd probably run into the same problem I ran into on the PC: Bethesda seems to be in love with their UI. Actions that should require one or two (or no) clicks instead take 4 or 5:
*click to sell a stack of arrows*
"Are you sure?"
*click 'yes'*
"How many do you want to sell?"
*slide the little jobbie over to 10*
"Sell 10 arrows for 5 gold?"
*click 'yes'
"Thanks for your business."
*click*
"Bye."
*click*
*shoot vendor with remaining arrow*
As opposed to Morrowind, where 'shift-click' = 'sell all with no confirmation dialogues'. Oblivion's graphics and gameplay (except for the phone version, apparently) have taken 2 steps forward, but their UI has slid back to the late 1980's.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
I found the game to be a casual distraction, with a bit of a learning curve.
My first two attempts to play, I died like Sean, but the game lets you continue playing with what ever gold and items you found.
It just restarts you at the beginning of the map/level with the monsters you killed still dead.
Also, the first time I equiped a bow, my sword started swinging, but I tried again later and it started working.
I wasn't using an archer, but the distance of the arrow is to short IMHO.
It took time to get use to the 2D view and lining up my shots and not getting killed by the guy I couldn't see off the edge of the screen and realize that the monster you are fighting has poisoned you and you need to get healed ASAP before the poison kills you... etc.
...and then trying to figure out what armor is what has been a pain.
Somehow I ended up selling very good body armor - or it just disappeared because I had no body armor when I loaded the saved game and the store wasn't selling any.
...so I restarted the game.
Doing a lot better this time around but haven't caught up to the place where I lost the armor.
The game is very linear and with no seeming consequence (that I have detected) for dieing.
I haven't used any spells beside Cure Poison and (once-in-a-while)Health.
The game is on the borring side.
But what do you expect from a game on a little telephone screen?
Finished playing last night, and this is after restarting the game.
You could finish the game in a day if you play straight through.
I finally started using offensive spells in combat and found the Poison spell to be the most useful.
All creatures near you become infected. You can even run away and watch it/them die at the edge of the screen.
I don't have a reason to replay the game. Doesn't look like playing a different character would bring any different game play - like cooler magic affects (I'm not expecting different story lines on a cell phone game).
After working through the "kinks" of the game, it was smooth sailing and I only died twice through the whole thing.
Too short and no replayability makes this game something only very hardest of hard-core RPGers would like.
...and maybe those of us who haven't upgraded our computers, nor have an X-Box 360, that can handle the real Oblivion game. :-)
Post a Comment
<< Home